No gray areas here…

I think many of us have the same issues: porn was an easy replacement for dating and a social life since it protected us from the shame of rejection. I was also easy to control the relationship until we realized we had only one relationship-PORN. That’s where the recovery comes in with the 12 step program.

For me, the urges are not natural but the addiction wanting attention.

I find that I am either heading in the relapse direction or not heading in the relapse direction. There are no gray areas when I am craving something for my disease and I am looking outside of myself for porn – images, movies, anything to start the fantasy – to get a momentary sexual arousal or all the way to climax.

In the beginning there is much grief as we let go of the best friend (Step 1), the cushion of comfort that it provided and face the world with our our hand in our higher power’s hand (Step 2). With that I am brave enough to let go of the addiction and have enough trust to move forward minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, one day at a time (Step 3).

Even after this period of time, I am acutely aware emotionally, physically and spiritually that the behavior I wish to pursue and would like to partake in, is damaging and feels awful, the best description i can offer. It almost feels like my soul is being ripped out of my chest.

Why do I want porn? Because it is all about safety and the past and I use it to deal with the fear of moving forward in life. If I can focus on the past in my porn fantasy mode, I don’t have to deal with the reality of my loneliness, my fears of dating and my low-self esteem.

At some point, when the body has been separated from the chronic actions of porn usage, and the mind has not been using it for a period of time, and step work has been done, a natural state of loving, god given sexuality will be available. This is a natural state of sexual affairs. It leaves us open to relationships that are fulfilling, mutual and loving.

Unfortunately, other programs have grey areas that porn addicts have found can lead to a relapse.